Monday, December 27, 2010 . 8:26 pm

In the midst of wanting to be loved again, I've found joy. The last few months had been real fake to me. Thoughts of wanting to give up, thoughts of the past flashing back, etc.

Yet, it was this inner struggle that I had to go through. I was real half hearted. The previous post was real lashing out at God. I felt so ashamed of my wrongdoings dat I had to give up my mega church and move to a medium sized church. The 'me' was really no interest at all for Christ. Just go service for the sake of going. But it's different now. I guess with a good environment to work in, a good working relationship with colleagues slowly pulled me back. Indeed finance is important. Recently got to read the book dat Life Group bought for my b'day. The chapter on dealing with your past really helps.

It talks about how Paul killed many Christians at that time and at a turn of an event, God talked to Paul with a voice. That changed and he believed in Christ, sharing and proclaiming that Jesus is the son of God. Then people criticised him for killing Christians. He felt remorseful too, but that did not stop him from preaching the Word. I finally had the faith to stand back up. Thank you Lord.

Saturday, December 18, 2010 . 4:19 am

What a friday. After work went back home, changed and waited for PL to do her manicure then go for dinner. 9+ plus then eat. Zzzz. Good thing stay nearby. Had beef noodle at vivo foodcourt. Then shopped awhile for christmas present but found none suitable.

Was quite enthu during work. Haha, dats wad i like best. Finishing it has a thrill to it. But once im at home after 2 or 3 hrs the moody mood slipped in. Very hate this feeling. Yes I do realise that we need love. Loneliness do seep in. When im having lunch, I'm alone. Seeing workers having their meals with colleagues together really 'pinch' me. Darn, y cant i have that kind of colleagues? Unless u're a high flyer with a gd certificate, or else forget about it. I do miss her sometimes. The happy times dat she brought really made me happy. we know each other at the wrong time. Im not as optimistic as i used to be. Only goal now is to stablise my job.

2nd last ex i just a normal friend now. Though we do sms each other sometimes, but the feel is not the same as before. She is quieter than me and there's really nothing much to talk about. She's not a good chatter though. Oh well. Just a few smses asking how r u, taken ur dinner etc. As usual. Hello, there's more to talk than this. I don wana repeat the same old rela again.

A rela shld be with interesting things to talk abt within our everyday lives. Anw, sometimes i really hate my christian life. Wats the norm? To obey, bla bla bla...? Yes, so wad if i was very enthusiastic and on fire for God? I do admit that He has always been there for me. But i just hate that invisible form of His. So please send someone to talk to me!!!!! Im fed up!!!! Where is the God that I once knew?? Y must i suffer so much and yet other pple have better life than me???? Is it fair....???? Self control, finances, where are u....????

Monday, December 13, 2010 . 8:58 pm

One week of Reservist had gone and its fast. Remembering the time when I was just a young chap serving my National Service for the country. In a round of a clock, it's been 4 years since I ORD-ed. Bedok camp has the most fond memories outside of home.

Refreshing back the days when I wore my green uniform marching left and right, holding on to my rifle and training with my buddies. Going through thick and thin with them was the most heart-felt thing I ever experienced. With the comfort of the bunk, big and spacious. Now fast forward to 2010, we've matured and came a long way. With the change of our Commanding Officer (CO), life is much easier. Unlike our crazy and 'siao-on' CO.

1st day of In-pro (In-Processing), reached Jurong Camp 2 at 7.15. Hair check by RSM (Regimental Sergeant Major). Thankfully this time my hair was short enough. Haha. Need not cut. Next, went up to the fifth storey bunk, darn tiring climbing up that flight of stairs with heavy field pack and stuffs. Got to see my group of buddies and there they went again joking and suan-ing me about those funny things we did at bedok camp. It made me laugh.

The highlight of this year's training was the Range; Shooting. We were expected to score Marksman for every group of 6. Indeed we scored well. HQ got the best combat shoot award. Yea! But if it's for individually, I wouldnt have scored marksman. My score was; Day shoot - 13 out of 15 shots on target, which is considered marksman. Night shoot 9 out of 15. Just pass only. Argh, missed it. Nvm, at least my group scored well, its a team effort. =) Man it really lasted one whole day finishing at 11pm. Not forgetting bullet check and declaring dat we do not have any left over rounds or bullets in our possession. Gosh.

Final day morning was fun. Had our Battalion jog and games. Tug of war! Woosh. Haha. HQ and Charlie company were even out. CO helped Charlie company, not fair. Lol. It really made my week as I was quite down with myself the past weeks. Self-confidence had gone up and I'm back to my cheerful self again. Yea! 745 Guards, always ready! =)

Wednesday, December 01, 2010 . 9:36 am

Man I cant help but pour out my feelings of the day. Recently just got to know this petite girl online, the same age as my ex. She wears a spec similar to my ex. An accountant by profession and quite a petite girl.

Been thinking of this girl ever since and she likes comedies. Interesting, but quite quiet most of the time when I chat with her online. She's a free thinker though. Have to think of topics to strike a conversation with or else it would be quite quiet.

Nevertheless, I would'nt neglect on my spiritual growth and church things. Lans & Ben had been a great help in the last month. Lans have high hopes on me and I wouldnt want to let him down. Will try to grow in the spiritual aspect in the LG and learn as much as I can. Been trying to read up on a book on growing strong in the Lord and also reading the bible twice a day, again. Thank God for a good salart increment and more to come.

Though I should be focusing on my job and spiritual growth, somehow there's this urge to want to feel accepted by an individual of the opposite gender. But I know my limits this time. Knowing where is the boundaries and danger zones. Friendships and relationships need to have a clear understanding. This I have learnt. Alright now. Back to work. =)